Esoteric: 1 a: designed for or understood by the specially intiated alone b: requiring or exhibiting knowledge that is restricted to a small group; difficult to understand 2 a: limited to a small circle b: private, confidential 3: of special, rare, or unusual interest
Brian Molko much like the lyrics of his band Placebo's Special K... (Coming up beyond belief
On this coronary thief
More than just a white motif
More chaotic, no relief
I'll describe the way I feel
Weeping wounds that never heal
Can the savior be for real
Or are you just my seventh seal?
No hesitation, no delay
You come on just like special K
Just like I swallowed half my stash
I never ever want to crash
No hesitation, no delay
You come on just like special K
Now you're back with dope demand
I'm on sinking sand
Gravity
No escaping gravity
Gravity
No escaping... not for free
I fall down... hit the ground
Make a heavy sound
Every time you seem to come around
I'll describe the way I feel
You're my new Achilles heel
Can this savior be for real
Or are you just my seventh seal?
No hesitation, no delay
You come on just like special K
Just like I swallowed half my stash
I never ever want to crash
No hesitation, no delay
You come on just like special K
Now you're back with dope demand
I'm on sinking sand
Gravity
No escaping gravity
Gravity
No escaping... not for free
I fall down... hit the ground
Make a heavy sound
Every time you seem to come around
No escaping gravity
No escaping gravity
No escaping gravity
No escaping gravity
Gravity [x4])
Brian Molko was born December 10, 1972 (Thank you Wikipedia.com) in Belgium to an American international banker father of French-Italian heritage and a Scottish mother, Brian's family moved frequently during his childhood including spells in Scotland, Liberia, Lebanon and Luxembourg. Brian has referred to a period spent in his mother's home town of Dundee, Scotland as "where I grew up". He describes his childhood as a period when he felt very lonely and alienated; his first performing experiences were through acting in a school drama theater. While Brian was brought up in a strict household that disapproved of artistic expression (his father wanted him to become a banker) he rebelled by affecting an androgynous image, wearing nail polish, lipstick and eyeliner, and listening to punk. In his late teens, he came out as bisexual. Brian initially attended the European School of Luxembourg but had to leave due to excessive bullying; he later attended the American International School of Luxembourg and went on to study drama at Goldsmiths College in London. He formed a band called Ashtray Heart. Brian Molko aligned with Stefan Olsdal (whom he went to school but was not a friend of then) and then came along drummer Steve Hewitt. When the holy threesome (*lights a candle*-this will only have meaning to one person who reads this) formed Placebo, well magic happened and the world had this mysterious, very sexy, confused, pretty, handsome young man unleashed upon it!
History lesson is over. To those in the know remember exactly or close to it at least, the first time or when they became aware of Brian's existence. Some found his voice entrancing, different and unique. Still others found the combination of both his sexual wailings and confusing looks unfathomably undeniable. They became instant fans, doomed to obsess over Placebo's music and Brian's sexuality. This Brian was special and rare back in 1996. Grunge had long faded away and Kurt Cobain was sadly resting in peace somewhere probably aghast at the remnants of what passed for rock music. To those who were old enough to remember Boy George from British pop band Culture Club more than a decade ago earlier remember the same type of reaction from the music loving public. The what the f? and Is that a boy or girl?? pushed the raw driving sound of Placebo into the background where it did not deserve to be. The original androgynous icon himself, David Bowie knows all too well what it was like to recieved as an alien, something to be desired, fancied, hated, misunderstood and worshiped. Every icon that is sexually wanted, (if they didn't exist, they would need to be invented by the minds of people in search for anything to fill that void for something to make them feel) develops a cult following ie a small group alone that knows and values this God. As more people begin to discover who this icon is, the more protective and even possessive the once small group becomes. To anyone who questions what Brian Molko is about, the long time fan might say "Brian is an aquired taste, he's like heroin or crack, almost impossible to get of your system. I couldn't try if I could. He LIVES inside me!" To an outsider who's never heard one single song from Placebo, stood in line at a Placebo concert, had fantasies of encounters with Brian or ever talked for hours on end to other Brian fanatics, Mr. Molko's allure is very esoteric indeed. Or is it? After all even the hardcore fans knew a time when they didn't know Brian existed and once they saw a picture of him, a video or heard his voice, found their brain chemistry (and hearts) changed in part.
Brian wrote a song called Nancy Boy from their self entitled album that is so incredibly Placebo and is very telling in what his other lyrics are like in a lot of ways:
Does his makeup in his room
douse himself with cheap perfume
eye holes in a paper bag
greatest lay I ever had
kind of guy who mates for life
gotta help him find a wife
we're a couple, when our bodies double.
And it all breaks down at the role reversal
got the muse in my head she's universal,
spinnin' me round she's coming over me.
And it all breaks down at the first rehearsal,
got the muse in my head she's universal,
spinnin' me round she's coming over me.
Nancy Boy is british slang for a girly boy, a boy who some would just look at and think was homosexual. They also perhaps even think this boy was a girl. The term never goes into the very curious feelings that are stirred up inside people who see this type of boy on the street, in a bookstore, a cafe, in a magazine or album cover...Brian Molko's fans have at times become worried especially if they basically define themselves as straight, that they can't help but be attracted to this strangely seductive sexually hypnotizing man. The ones who don't give a fuck even if they are finding themselves wishing Mr. Molko was their best friend with benefits might still think to themselves at times, What is it about the Brian that just does it for me??
The different stages of Brian Molko's Attraction to the masses
Sexy Boy... or
Strangely enticing Girl??
Both handsome and beautiful
Androgyny takes a brief vacation..One day in 1998, an unsuspecting me sat idly watching a video music channel rather bored. I was sick of the same old shit that infiltrated this channel as well as Mtv which wasn't even about the music videos anymore. The only thing interesting I had seen was Korn's Got the Life video and some amusing pop videos. Suddenly I hear these jarring guitar chords and some drums kick in. I looked up to see Placebo's Pure Morning video.
My jaw dropped, my eyes locked upon this...umm girl or was it a boy?? No matter what it was, I was utterly hypnotized by the vision of both beauty and handsome features displayed by this singer. Even though I wasn't in love with the voice (I soon would be), the demeanor, the stance, the style, the honesty, the entire being of this creature on the screen in front of me completely captivated me. It has ever since! I consider myself to be pretty much lesbian with some bisexual tendecies. I find myself extremely attracted to The Brian because of his non conformist appearance, attitude, beauty and yes his male uncensored sexuality. Sometimes when I think I have pinpointed the mystery behind what it is that exactly draws me to Brian Molko, I shake my head and think "No...that's not it at all, it's something else entirely..I think!" To Mr. Molko's legion of hardcore to casual fans, the secret lies within each one of us. He sneaks in, seduces and has his way with the parts of us that allow him to. To some he's the cool best friend they wish they always had, the different outspoken devil may care rocker. To another he's the ultimate fantasy, a open minded, sexually experimental person who they can project upon as they wish. Whether he's the husband, boyfriend, lover, best friend, brother (Don't ask), etc, Brian is literally all things to all people at different stages in their lives. In fact I dare you...yes, YOU to view this Placebo video Taste in Men and not find something that draws you into it.
On his own appearance, Brian said, "I feel very comfortable with the way I look, and I feel very comfortable with the kind of confusion that it creates in people's minds"
On the matter of desire, he spoke openly, "I believe very strongly that when it comes to desire, when it comes to attraction, that things are never black and white, things are very much shades of grey"
An early quote of Brian tellingly says, "I'm continually surprised by the amount of people I wind up. For many guys, I'm the faggot their girlfriend fancies"
Brian told it like it is on the matter of his personal sexuality and how he knowingly played upon his Nancy Boy looks early in his career. "My sexuality is very fluid but it's very real. I have had confusing and contradicting emotions since I have awakened sexually, and it's something that I have come to terms with and that I have manage to live with in a very positive way. I have never been a homophobic person and one of the reasons I stopped going to church, because my mother used to take me to church a lot, was because of the church's attitude to homosexuality. I just enjoy fucking with people's heads. For the first half of our gigs, there's normally some guy convinced I'm a girl, and a pretty cute one at that. As the gig continues, it begins to dawn on him that I'm a bloke, and suddenly he has to ask himself some serious questions"
There you have it, straight from the horses mouth so to speak. A big part of Brian's appeal, his allure, is his flaws, his fears, his very human side because we can relate to it! Some of us have the same exact fears, the same disillusionment with society's continued small mindedness of gay/les/bi/trans or religious hijacking of what should be a person's inherent right to free thought or speech. Interestingly enough despite Brian's stance against religion as a whole, he continues to have religious inspired lyrics and images in Placebo's music. Looks like his mother's (who influenced him in such a strong way) indoctrination is likely to be reflected in his music for some time to come.
Mr. Molko's allure sinks into our flesh and permeates our conscience minds...whether we want the penetration or not. As I once mused to a fellow Brian disciple, "We are Bri-sexuals"
So, this once small club of people who thought they only understood the secret behind Brian Molko's assault on their eyes and ears is a secret society no more. Literally millions in every country around the globe are Placebo fans and thankful that Mr. Molko exists. Does it really matter his appeal is a mystery to some while to others it makes absolute perfect sense?? To the uninitiated, Brian is an enigma that somehow confounds their sense of direction. He is very much a misdirection.
To us, the fans, he speaks our language. Brian Molko's Esoteric Allure is this in my humble opinion and observings over the past decade: Mr. Molko has his hand so lovingly upon our throats slowly depriving of us years of conditioning thrust upon us forcing us to let go of small ideals. We start to gasp almost fighting against his indifference, his uniqueness. His hand is in a special place nursing us, taking care of us and taking us to a special place in our heads. We hear and feel..The role reversal that comes on without hesitation or delay, that softly whispers in our ears, every sky is blue, but not for me and you. We peer into his blue eyes, we choke back the words, 4 7 2 3 9 8 5 - I gotta breathe to stay alive, and 1 4 2 9 7 8 - feels like I'm gonna suffocate. In this matrix, it's plain to see, it's either you or me. We feel his grasp upon our throats (our minds and senses) further tightening. I know, you cut me loose from contradiction, I know, I'm all wrapped up in sweet attrition. I know, it's asking for your benediction... Still, It's in your reach! Brian's scratchy voice implores you.. concentrate If you deny this, Then it's your fault! Colors fade, things go to black and white. Gasping, choking, writhing, delighting, reaching your standing all the while all the neurons in your oxygen starved cortex, scream..Come back to me awhile, Change your style again, Come back to me awhile Change your taste in men...Release and let go your ideas about what a man should be, look or act. Find a place in your heart for someone like me and fuck those normal men! Your sweet prince's voice echoes, almost a memory now floating above you...It's far too sacred Don't ever fake it
And don't, and don't, and don't let me down. As you almost fade into nothingness, your explosion shakes every molecule inside you and you come alive again!
You know what the best part is about the whole orgasmic experience? He allows us to penetrate him and the role reversal continues as long as we want it to. You come awaywith only one idea about The Esoteric Allure of Brian Molko. The Cult of Brian still lives on whether you agree with it or think it's blind devotion. Dangerous even and silly in some respects to some. Is another human being you will probably never meet yet touches your life and who's music has made a difference to you silly? It's really not so secret or mysterious. It's not so hard to understand! Fuck the mystery, screw the elitism, Brian Molko whether he's beautiful, handsome, seductive, ugly, charismatic, weird, unattainable, intellectually orgasmic, the simple plain fact points to one thing, Brian Molko is special and we can't get enough of him...
To send me responses directly please contact me at to rosalinda_fan@msn.com
I have started since I originally wrote this article, a internet RADIO SHOW dedicated completely to Placebo along with my partner Mariela called, "PLACEBO RADIO" It can be found on the very popular http://www.blogtalkradio.com at this link:
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/Placebo-Rad
This internet radio show is dedicated the best band in the world, Placebo!!! Obviously! ;) Throughout the duration of this show, we will play and discuss Placebo's music, talk to fellow devoted fans, and express the details of Placebo Addiction. Please join us in discussing a band we truly love to obsess over and adore. Every Monday night at 9 pm est. Listeners have two choices to call in to participate. Make requests, dedications and just talk to us about what Placebo means to them. The first way is to call our permanent show number (347) 308-8090. If you cannot call into that number or live outside of the United States you CAN still join us live by clicking on the "click to talk" button when the show is live! All you need is a computer microphone or headset! So anyone from Mexico, France, Italy etc etc can join us and talk to us about their love for Placebo!! All shows are recorded so you can play it back on the site whenever you like or put it on your page! Shows can also be downloaded! Here is one of our most recent shows..
Finally, a special shout out to Zac who so lovingly recorded the following for me. LOVE YOU ALL!Immortal Designs/A Holy 3some production© 2008
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creative
The beginning of Meditation
In order to understand meditation properly and to learn to meditate, it is important that we know how meditation started . Let us acquaint ourselves with the concept behind the origin of meditation.
Ever since the advent of humanity on earth, there are some questions that have kept bothering men of every time and era. Like who created the universe? How life came on earth ? What is the purpose of life? Why do we born and die? Is there any systematic plan behind all this or is it happening on its own ? The question 'who made this universe' has always raised curiosity among men of all times.
If you don't now how to find a solution, the next best thing is to try to understand the problem from all angles. Often an honest effort to understand the problem itself can facilitate its solution. Therefore, a search on this line began in the world. To find the answer of the question 'who created this world?' people started finding some clues in the creation itself.
In this endeavor of finding some clues about the mystery behind Universe, two approaches were adopted. Firstly, there were groups of people who started looking for clues in the outside world. They went on discovering laws of nature, finding its various phenomena, inventing wonderful gazettes, machinery and electronic devices etc. Their entire research on the external world gave rise to science. Their constant endeavor resulted in unfolding of mysteries behind nature's physical and biological laws. The development in science and technology around us that we see today is the result of the constant endeavor of such people. This ongoing research to unleash the secrets of nature is still going on.
But, apart from these seekers who tried to find the truth in the external perceivable world, there were another seekers who thought in a different direction. These people were of the opinion that if some creator has created this world, then the same creator must have also created them. So, in a way, they should also be a part of this creation. So instead of going deeper into the depth of outside world why not go within themselves and look for some clues, some hints there ? So they started experimenting on themselves and got involved in inventing various methods for going within. This endeavor of going within gave rise to meditation and later to religion. ( Now that's a different thing that today religion has become more dominant and meditation - which gave rise to all religion- has become a small part of it.)
In ancient times, people used to believe that everything in this world was made up of five elements - earth, water, air, fire and space. Then scientific advancement began and as more and more discoveries came into light, it was found that the whole universe was made up of 108 elements. However, after going into the inner intricacies of these 108 elements, it was found that all elements were same and were made up of atoms. The difference in elements is because of the arrangements of atom in them. On further research, it was found that even atom was not the basic unit of everything. It was rather electron which was the building block of everything. However the discovery of electron gave rise to a difficulty.
Electron, though considered as the smallest unit of particle, does not fully exhibit the nature of a particle. It is neither stable nor unstable. It is moving as well as not moving. Sometimes, it acts like a wave and sometimes it behaves like a particle. It was very difficult for scientists to exactly define the nature of the electron. Therefore, a new term was coined - "Quantum" -dual , the one having properties of wave & particle simultaneously.
But as more and more researches on electron are being done, it appears that at a very subtle level, electron is nothing but an infinitesimal energy particle. It is the energy which transforms itself into electron and subsequently into matter. The famous equation of Albert Einstein, E = MC2 also reinforce the fact that all matter and energy are interchangeable into one another.
Let me come again to those people who adopted the second approach of going within, They started researching on their body. They moved their attention inwards and started developing techniques of penetrating deeper into their inner existential identity. These efforts gave rise to meditation. All the meditation techniques and yogic exercise are result of this endeavor taken by millions of those avid curious people who dared to go within.
In their meditative state, these people realized about this energy field of consciousness which pervades the whole cosmos. In the deeper state of meditation one realized about the omnipresent element of all- the self. In reality what is present everywhere is not energy but pure supreme consciousness which pervades the whole universe. Sooner or later science will also agree ( by going into the depths of energy) that everything in this creation is nothing but pure consciousness. This pure and supreme consciousness is everywhere and when someone says that God is everywhere, inside you outside you, they are pointing towards the self. In the deeper state of meditations anybody can feel this supreme consciousness.
Does God exist in all of us? I believe God has put a part of himself in all of us (or a higher power if you that is what you want to call it) and it is for each one of us to interpret it. It is up to us to figure it out, to seek it out and to find a way to fulfill our destiny. I haven't felt a part of this world enough to properly fulfill mine although I do believe I will have a role in it within the next few years. Self discipline is very important so I seek more ways to cultivate more of it.
I am fascinated by Quantum physics there being alternate deeper realities that we cannot even fathom. Despite this, I seem to falter within my own reality so what is the answer for me? To love myself more, to give myself more of a chance in this world and to rely on ME. The closer I have gotten to people. the more I have put my faith in people, the more they have let me down. They let me down because I foolishly put all my trust in them. I feel even Love to be subjective at times although I fear this too is me being very cynical. Candy being cynical?? I am not sure if I like that. I am growing and changing. I seek to change myself in a POSITIVE way so that I may affect my path and therefore affect those around me. The ripple effect indeed. My growing, my happiness, my joy, my self reliance will blossom out and have unknown effects on people I know. Perhaps even people I do not know! I used to think Love was the way, now I am pondering more logical viewpoints. Different perspectives. Frightening but I am contemplating them..
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Receptivity
Truth cannot be sought..one can simply be receptive, that´s all. One can open the doors and wait. One can say only this much, “If the divine guest comes, you will be received, welcomed. I don't know who you are, and I don't know your address and I cannot even send an invitation. But whosoever you are, and whomsoever it concerns, if you come, my doors will be open...you will not find them closed.” That´s all that a seeker can do. And that´s all that is needed to be done. More than that is not possible and is not needed.
So let this posture be your deep attitude. One has to become receptive. The search for truth is not a male search. It is a feminine search - just like feminine energy ..receptive. Not like a male..aggressive.
Meditativeness is simply a deep receptivity, a readiness, an open door.
We come into the world absolutely pure and innocent, absolutely clear, clean, but then the world starts writing on our consciousness, it starts conditioning us. It pollutes everybody, it contaminates, poisons. By the time a child is mature enough
to think on his own the world has already destroyed him. He is already crippled, paralysed; the world has already taught him to use crutches and he has forgotten to use his own insight. He cannot stand on his won two legs; it has made him dependent.
This is is the greatest conspiracy against humanity, to make every human being a cripple..not physically but spiritually. And the strategy that is used is to give you a mind so that your consciousness becomes covered with thoughts, desires,
ambitions, Ego, ideologies, religion, politics, and a thousand and one things are there, layer upon layer. Your mirror-like consciousness disappears and then a man/woman lives a life of indignity, a life which is absolutely graceless, a life of blindness, a life of utter dependency.
And the only thing to be done is to undo whatsoever the society is done to you. So I don't teach purity, I don't teach morality...that is all nonsense. I only teach meditation so you can rid of the mind. The mind belongs to society and mediation belongs to you. With mediation you are absolutely free, and suddenly you start
discovering your intrinsic treasures. And then begins a pilgrimage of joys, beauty, songs, celebrations. And it is an unending process. It gives you the vision of eternity. It gives you the certainty that you are immortal.
So true! I am always searching for the truth or truths of the universe. When I say I am searching, sometimes people haven't a clue as to what I'm talking about or they think I am quite strange. I once mentioned to someone I believe in life outside of our planet and she called me practically crazy. I speak my intentions to the universe of what I want and sometimes it has worked. Sometimes I am too foggy, too angry, too depressed to "hear" what God is saying to me and what the universe is giving to me. The universe sometimes sends me people. These people are put on my path on purpose to teach me a lesson, to guide me or give me a lifelong friend or more. I thank God for these people although at times I very puzzled as to certain people's roles in my life. I am sure in time I will figure this out. I am like a shortwave radio with all these different frequencies inside myself. Sometimes I hear the messages loud and clear. Other times they are quite distorted or cut out when I really need them the most. I want to be extremely sensitive to the wavelengths of the earth dimensions. I want to be more aware of life outside of the "matrix" but that's another entry unto itself so I will post that for another time.
I also agree that people are very much crippled as children when they forced into roles and bogged down with beliefs from their parents/teachers/society. Too bad! I have so much conditioning from being in a religious cult from birth that finally ended when I left for good 11 years ago. It's still in the back of mind controlling how I act or think sometimes! These ideologies are very persuasive and the brain washing of people is powerful. I say BREAK FREE! Listen to the voice that you now probably don't even know how to listen to but is within you since birth. The voice that tells where to go on your life's path. I am trying to listen to that voice. Do NOT conform to society! Be unique! Be who you were meant to be! I am trying believe me. I am fighting demons within me but at least I am aware of this reality. The really real world that many are not even aware of. The world is in a deep slumber, controlled, unaware and sometimes even apathetic. There is much going on that would shock many of you so the time is now to wake up and break free from the shackles that have been binding you.
Positive Relationships
Ordinarily people are not happy when they are alone. They feel very empty, they feel something is missing. They can't live alone for long periods, even an hour looks like many hours. They escape into a relationship. The relationship is just an escape from oneself. It is not a true relationship, it is negative; a man falls in
love with a woman just to avoid his loneliness. A woman falls in love with a man just to avoid her loneliness OR a man falls in love with a man just to avoid his loneliness and a woman falls in love with a woman just to avoid her loneliness...
The positive relationship is a totally different one. You are not trying to escape from yourself. You love to be yourself, you love your aloneness, you rejoice, and whenever you find time you move into it. But in aloneness so much bliss is created that you have to share it. It become like a burden, like a cloud full of rainwater ,it has to shower. It doesn't matter whether the earth needs it or not, it does not matter whether the trees are receptive or not; it has to shower, it has to unburden itself.
Remember, the greatest burden in life is when you are overflowing with bliss. Everything else can be carried, but bliss has to be shared. It is the greatest burden..sweet, but a mountainous burden. You cannot carry it alone, you need
friends to share it with. Then a relationship is positive. Then you don't fall in love, you rise in love. Then a man rises in love with a woman, a man or a womanrises in love with a man or woman. Doesn't matter because love is love...
Dialogue
Dialogue means trying to understand the other with an open mind. Dialogue is a rare phenomenon and it is beautiful, because both are enriched. In fact, while you talk, either it can be a discussion - a verbal fight, trying to prove that I am right and you are wrong..or a dialogue. Dialogue is taking each other´s hand, moving together
towards the truth, helping each other to find the way. It is togetherness, it is a cooperation, it is a harmonious effort to find the truth. It is not in any way a fight, not at all. It is a friendship, moving together to find the truth, helping each other to find the truth. Nobody has the truth already, but when two persons
start finding out, inquiring about the truth together, that is dialogue..and both are enriched. And when truth is found, it is neither of me, nor of you. When truth is found, it is greater than both of us who participated in the inquiry, it is higher than both, it surrounds both - and both are enriched.
I strong agree with this! I used to be a wide open door but no longer. I am STILL an open door though because like a friend once told me, the door had to exist inside me already in order for it to be be open or closed. I welcome or am receptive to all the truths I can handle and I am welcome to finding the truth together with people. Someone can be a force to be reckoned with on their own (They must) but together is when it becomes a strong wind. A strong tower, an army, an unbreakable bond and something so beautiful that nothing can penetrate it. Have I found this yet? I have caught a glimpse of it in the past and in the present. I have spoken recently to those who are teachers in my life, those who have much to share with me. I may stumble, fall and even go backwards a few steps but, I am strong all on my own. Someday maybe, I will be double that strength by sharing that bliss with someone and being receptive to their bliss as well....
I wrote this short story about a month ago and thought..what the hell why not post it here? Here goes..
When did it all end? I asked myself this question as I watched him from the side of the stage, Julian my boy, he was bringing down the house while his band assaulted my senses and drove the crowd into a frenzy.
I crossed my arms and peered out into the crowd of nameless faces. They were all in a trance, they all wanted him or a part of him and they have never even had a conversation with him. Maybe if they actually spoke to him, they wouldn’t be so in lust with him and realize how fragile he is. ( Read more... )
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I am still upset about the breach of trust and slander that my ex friend did to me earlier today. To mention things about someone without mentioning them by name is one thing but to just put it ALL out there is quite another. I'm no angel, I won't deny I said things. It was very wrong.I regreted them but I have never mentioned his PERSONAL business or personal conversations that I know would be hurtful to him on my lj. When you have a private conversation in which you are pouring your heart out or anything else that comes from your heart or you are angry about, you expect the conversation to stay there, in trust with that person not to be shared with others. He's quite young but this doesn't excuse it. Only once did I mention something personal when I replied to someone earlier today. It was so vicious, so vindicative, so sick, I am shocked, and no one stopped to ask, why he posted personal emails. Not one single person. He did it before with a mutual person we both knew. He took it upon himself to cut and paste our conversation. Unreal. Trust is important and now it's been shattered. One of my friends said he would never do that to me let alone an enemy.
I'm just glad I'm away from that situation. I know that in time, I will be alright. I won't have to worry about what I say around him, won't have to worry about him calling me ungodly, sinful because of same sex attractions I have etc. Sorry for the rant but this hurts. It really does. The loss of a friendship is no small thing. I can't sit up here and bullshit anyone. It fucking hurts.
The only bright thing in night is one of my guy friends, he said I was very special to him. He said he wanted to take me into his arms and hold me. After that, he said, as long as he lived, he would always be here for me. He told me he loved me, he never said that before. He called me his closest friend, I didn't know until that moment I was so I was floored. He said God brought us together. That made me feel so happy and warm inside. That's God at work right there. God works like that, he always sends people to me when I'm down. Bless his heart! He is a special and wonderful man. He's got a powerful heart. I thank God for my friends. They are dear to me. I read the bible earlier today and I'm going to pray to God as always before I go to bed. I need prayer. Will you anyone pray for me? I would appreciate it! Thanks
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sad
ashamed(p): feeling shame or guilt or embarrassment or remorse
A painful emotion caused by a strong sense of guilt, embarrassment, unworthiness, or disgrace.
I feel ALL of these things right now. I said and did some things last night and today that I'm not proud of. I'm embarrassed and yes, very ashamed of what I did.
1 John 4:7-12 (New International Version)
New International Version (NIV)
"God's Love and Ours
7Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. 8Whoever does not love does N0T know God, because God is love. 9This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son[a] into the world that we might live through him. 10This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for[b] our sins. 11Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. 12No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God LIVES in us and his love is made complete in us."
Instead of keeping that close to my heart like I usually do, I for my own selfish reasons (my heart was in the right place though), wasn't a child of God last night or today. God lives in me but I had more darkness inside of me last night and earlier today than light. Instead of going to God and letting HIM guide me, take care of things, I went out on my own. I talk the talk but I wasn't walking the walk. I didn't let God have control, I didn't surrender to him, I instead acted like a jackass. I said vile things, horrible hateful things. Today, I said disgusting things to someone who I don't know very well but have spoken to once in awhile. I hurt him, I upset him and there is NO excuse for it. I may not condone or applaud the things he does and stands for but I had no right to use a certain word towards him. I had no right to use that word with my other close friend either. I was on MSN messenger and this word was in full view of all my friends on my list. I deeply apologize to anyone I have offended. I was a real asshole, please forgive me.
I had a visual in my head, here is the original version and what follows is what I saw in my minds eye minutes ago:
I pictured in my head, that I was at the bottom of a mountain, I was covered with dirt, basically filthy. a woman who I AM attracted to was there, she was trying to get me to not climb the mountain. She was pleading with me, telling me she wanted me. I started to climb the mountain anyway not listening to her, I looked back at her, looked at her tear stained face and shook my head. I told her that I just wanted to be her friend, nothing more. I told her i Loved her and always would but I HAD to climb that mountain. Even she, couldn't stop me. I kept climbing further, I heard more women calling to me, telling me they wanted me, needed me emotionally, sexually and everything in between. I ignored their calls and pushed on.
I saw a man at the top of the mountain come into view, he was tall, strong looking and he was waiting for me. He was smiling at me, he knew I would make it to the top, he reached out his hands to me. He called my name, he told me that he was waiting for me. I carefully placed my feet on the rocks and went even faster to reach the top. The voices of the girls below got weaker and weaker. I looked down at my hands, they weren't so dirty anymore, in fact they were almost clean. My body was not caked with mud and dirt like it was before. I was getting cleaner. I looked up at the man, he was in sight now, I grinned at him, he grinned back happily and extended his hand. He welcomed me and told me, he was going to bathe me in the water. I was so happy to get to the top, I didn't look back either. The man than embraced me, he kissed my cheek and took my hand. His hand feel good in mine, I didn't want to let go of it. I noticed his tattoo on his right arm, a celtic band, I followed him to the water. He baptized me and afterward put his arms around my waist. He held on to me beaming with the happiest smile on his face. I felt absolutely radiant, I looked at myself, I was completely clean now, no dirt at all. He told me that he loved me and wanted me to stay with him now and never go back to where I had originally started from. I nodded taking his hands into mine. I promised him I wouldn't. We disappeared into a bright shining light.
What I saw just now was not any girls at the base of the mountain but ME. Me from a few years ago but there were like five of me, different incarnations of me, the way I was at different points in my life. Me with long hair before I cut it so short like a boy, me with with a bandanna on my head trying to be butch, me many years ago before that with a dress on but still not fitting in. I looked back at them..ME in horror. I scrambled up the mountain to get away from myself, not anyone else. As I got closer to the top, I saw someone but it wasn't the man that was there before, it was a woman, she was in a short but modest skirt, she had heels on, but I still couldn't make her out that well. I pushed on, trying my best to get away from what I had been before. I could see her clearer now, she had red nailpolish on, she had makeup on, her hair was long, down to her shoulders. She smiled at me, she reached for my hand. I looked up at her, it was ME, she was me.
Shocked, I stared at her without speaking. Myself just smiled as she pulled me to the top of the mountain alongside her. She embraced me tightly, I suddenly melted into her. I looked down at myself, I was now her, I had the long hair, the makeup, the heels but something felt different. I was all dressed up in feminine things but my heart was not hardened. I looked down at the mountain at the many forms of me. My heart raced, I knew what I had to do in that instant. I went right back down to the bottom, I approached the me with long hair but boyish clothes, I hugged her, I said "Candy, I love you, don't hate yourself, I don't hate you, I will ALWAYS love you". I did it to all of them, they all live inside me. I told them I loved them BUT I was going in a new direction and they had to accept that. I had to leave them behind but they would always be a part of me and I wasn't ashamed of it anymore. I went right back up to the mountain, it took awhile, it was hard but I did it. I ran to the spring drenching myself with water, a dove come down from above, the tiny creature settled on my finger and I gazed at how beautiful it was. I looked above with tears in my eyes and thanked God. I felt free.
I'm sorry to the woman that I also hurt last night. I was a self righteous ass. I was wrong. God lives in me, I love you because the highest commandment from God is to love one another. Forgive me....
What I'm about to say might anger some, surprise others and alienate some who know me. For once, I am NOT censoring myself or being diplomatic. There is a reason for that. I don't intend to piss off anyone or hurt anyone. I am speaking MY truth and how I am continuing to evolve. I Just feel a need to speak my mind on this forum and not sit by any longer like some meek sheep.
I NO longer accept homosexuality as being "ok". Yes, you heard me. Now, before you attack me as a "homophobe" as no doubt some are immediately going to, just hear me out. For me, it's woman for man and man for woman. It's Adam and EVE, not Adam and Steve. I have probably lost a few of you already but that's ok. BTW, when I identified as a gay woman, I absolutely hated the adam and eve thing. Now, I have to realize that..well it's TRUE. True to ME mind you. Now before you rise up to stone me and clobber me with your rainbow flags, please remember that I'm not saying I HATE homosexuals. I am saying, I love, I like and RESPECT all including gay people, I have gay friends, nothing has changed in my respect and love. What HAS changed is my attitude towards the ACT of homosexuality. That means, I'm totally cool with gay people, gay friends but I am NOT cool with your choice of sexual preference. Now, you may say, "Well F- you, I'm not cool with you being straight either!" Hey, that's fine and I respect that.
You see, I went from being attracted to guys in high school but having crushes on women to thinking I was completely lesbian and than to realizing I wasn't. I cannot claim to be 100% straight on the kinsey scale, I would only be kidding myself, so my attraction hasn't changed completely but what I choose to do and ACT has changed. Are you getting it yet? I identify with being straight even though I still have some attraction to some women (Maybe always will but maybe not) but I do not CHOOSE to ACT upon those same sex feelings. Yes, I have a choice and I no longer am going with the easy way out. I'm going against the feelings inside me that lessen day by day and choosing to obey God over my over own selfish desires. My epiphany is that, I don't HAVE to be lesbian! I don't have to ACCEPT my same sex feelings if I don't want to! I CAN change my behaviors, feelings, attraction and sexual identification. I wrote something on here awhile ago about realizing that everyone can change their learned behaviors and that NO ONE is "stuck" in some quicksand personality that will forever be pulling them down without any room to move. That's not true and it's not true for homosexuals in my opinion. I spoke to my friend
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zephret who was a tremendous help to me and through him, God helped the both of us see what were doing wrong. I despise the permissiveness of some while they wave their flags, living in la la land and totally dismissing what they know to be true. They hide behind their militant attitudes and feel safe in their groups. If you don't look at it, if you ignore it, you forget it and by forgetting you are denying the truth. You forget who you really are inside and who you really were meant to be. I used to hide, I used to run from it, I used to wave my flag, read my advocate/girlfriends magazine, used to watch The L word and pretend that God couldn't see behind my facade. Well, I was fooling myself but I wasn't fooling my creator. I can no longer say to people "It's ok to be that way, it's fine, you are perfectly fine, don't worry" NO!! NO! I won't say that anymore because in my heart, I no longer believe that. Let me explain further , because I know some who are still reading are shaking their heads and calling me a homophobe. Maybe some are just hearing me out and for that, thank you!
What I'm saying is, I have made my choice, I chose to be the woman I am intended to be. Another woman won't make me feel like a woman, but a man will. I want the opposite of me, I NEED the opposite of me, not the SAME. Despite me feeling this way (it screams from my soul and needs to be heard), I do NOT hate any gay person. No, I do not. It's hard to differentiate this in some people's minds. They say, well you hate homosexuality so you hate me! Why does it have to be that way in your mind? NO, I do NOT hate YOU, I simply am not cool with you're choice to be with the same sex. I have friends who have done things in their lives that they are not proud of or still do things that I don't agree with, I do not support them in self destructive choices but I STILL love them. I still am there for them, I still support them as people. Just because I'm not rolling out the red carpet for your homosexuality doesn't mean that I have stopped loving or liking you. I just no longer support your sexual preference and clap my hands over it. I'm being so honest that I can't even believe I'm being this honest. Some people want to say this but they feel it's not politically correct so they keep it to themselves. That's fine. I could have kept it to myself but I felt a need to speak about it on here. For good or bad, I am doing it. In the end, it's between me and God. Even if for some reason, I felt a super desire to be with the same sex and couldn't get back my feelings for men, I would not cooperate with my flesh. I would sacrifice my sexuality and keep following my path that God has put in front of me. Some might laugh at that or think I am crazy but that is your choice to do so.
You may be born with a desire to steal, but you can learn to stop. You may have had feelings to over eat or under eat but you can learn to stop. It's time to evaluate who we are inside, get to the root causes, love ourselves and not cling to crutches. We don't have to be a certain way because all your friends are, you don't have to accept your feelings because you feel the opposite is impossible or the opposite is to be "homophobic". Some people who claim to be opened minded are not so open minded. We were given choices in life and it's up to you to choose or NOT to choose. To act or NOT to act. You don't have to be a slave to nothing.
I'm ending this by saying, I never thought I would be feeling this way but I'm so extremely happy in it. I embrace my heterosexuality which no doubt will make some sick so for that I'm sorry. If you do not want to do that or consider alternatives, than so be it. I will still love you, I will still like you, I will still support you as a human being. Love is not an excuse to take advantage of it. There are things that are good and there are things that are bad. I will not ignore it because of God's love. God was angry with those who he felt were deliberately sinning against him, those who would not change etc. He didn't say "eh...I'm gonna let it go..I'm gonna close my eyes and forget about it" NOPE! They all got punished didn't they? Yes, he loves us but he doesn't love the sin. He will always love us but why is this used as a loophole for hedonistic permissive behavior? Why must you be in la la land where everything goes? You know God didn't permit everything goes in the bible yet those same people think it's cool to do it now in our day. Maybe psychological reasons for this too.
I'm different now, I'm changing, I'm going in a direction that has been set for me and I'm happy. I'm happy for you too, believe me. For the first time, I'm not afraid to speak up. I used to think it was horrible but I stepped back, opened my mind and let God SHOW me the bigger picture. I hope you respect me for having this opinion. You say, you are proud of who you are, well I'm darned proud of who I am. Take me or leave me. Respect me. I respect you and i haven't left you because you are gay or bisexual. I'm still here for you! Anyway, my sexuality..it's only a small part of me, I am not my sexuality, I am many things. I love the parts of my friends that make them whole and this hasn't stopped. If you believe it has, I'm sorry for you. Love is about acceptance but there is a boundary. If I don't see some on my LJ list, I will know some unfriended me and that's alright. I hope most of you will keep me as your friend. My computer works off and on now. After this, I am going to read as much as I can of your LJ's while it IS working. God bless, ttyl
- Mood:
ecstatic
I strongly believe that God has put people in my life at different times in my life so that I might learn something. I believe that there were times people came into my life but I was too blind to learn from them, and therefore didn't step up. I stayed on one step for many years until I finally with God's help and my own desire, opened up my ears plus my eyes so that I could see what was really in front of me. It goes both ways too of course, I'm in their lives also to help them to climb higher on the stairway to enlightenment. Knowing this, has made things alot more clearer to me, it's as if a veil has been lifted from a part of my life. It sounds so simplistic but this to me is big. I'm feeling pretty happy. It makes me appreciate God more and appreciate my friends who are often completely unaware of the impact they really have made upon me and my life.
- Mood: happy
Had a bit of drama last night with a friend but I stepped off the drama train again because I just can't ride it like I used to. I know he will remain my friend, he just needs space so I will give him as much time as he needs. I want him to know, I fully admit responsibility in what I did last night, I was at fault, I should have been more respectful to our mentor. I'm was an ass.
I'm also reading The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho, found a link online! :D I still want the hardcopy of that and The Manual of the Warrior of Light. I want to share with you Paulo Coelho's Stories for Parents, Children and Grandchildren, very well written and there is something in there for EVERYONE. Go here to read it:
http://www2.uol.com.br/paulocoelho/e
Let me know what you think and what you learned! I also am going to read Rick Warren's The Purpose Driven Life
I have learned valuable lessons from someone who was introduced to me by a mutual friend although I must keep my distance from her at this time. I hope that she will also be helped by me even though I don't think she thinks I did. I rely on God to make that seed grow.
I miss sharing my regular exercises comments with you guys but at the rate this laptop is dying, I really don't know how that will go. I told my friend Zac, that I'm seriously thinking of taking up a laptop fund! I got a CC but I'm trying to restablish my credit so I cannot charge a laptop on it right now. In 6 months, I think I might be able to go for a Dell laptop if my Fico credit scores are up and I plan to make sure they are. If anyone wants to send me .50 or $1.00 or whatever, feel free to email me rosalinda_fan@msn.com YES, I'm quite serious, I have been in tears because of my frustration with this laptop. I will definately need get a cheap laptop (not the one I really want), but something to keep me online in the future so that's why I'm asking for help. You don't have to send me a thing of course, a cyber hug would bring a smile to my face as well.
I had a very fun thanksgiving! I did get sick from eating too much food later on that night but I recovered. It was nice spending time with my twin sister, brother in law, sister in law and of course my adorable baby niece! I love holidays. Hope everyone is doing well! I'm SO sorry I haven't commented on YOUR journals. I'm typing this as quick as can for fear my laptop will go black again. Ok take care, talk to you soon i hope! Remember to stay positive, stay strong, don't try to figure out the world until you figure out yourself FIRST! God bless!!
- Mood: cheerful
Post anything that you want here, and post it anonymously. IP LOGGING IS OFF. Post...a story, a secret, a confession, a fear, a love. Anything. Tell me how much you love me or how much you hate me. Make sure to post anonymously and honestly. Post as many times as you'd like. Then, put this in your LJ to see what others have to say! I'm waiting for you... ;)
- Mood: cheerful
"You can't help it if they can't forgive you
You can't hold a grudge against yourself
Which is what you do when you continue to let past mistakes weigh you down
All that does is cut open old wounds again and again
Every moment you don't forgive, you're just hurting yourself like you did the first time But you have control over that
There is no advantage in continuing to suffer,
you know it's completely juvenile
Think about it rationally
There are no positives in what you're doing
I'd go as far as to say that it's a sin to not forgive yourself
And you're a human being in control of her emotions
You are choosing to feel bad
You need to be stronger than that
I understand why people tend to choose to hold grudges against themselves
But you just have to let go :)
You know, I have self-esteem issues sometimes. Like today, I began to feel bad about some things that I have been struggling with. And I felt that I was letting myself down. But then I just thought, "You know, I don't have to feel this way. I don't have to think this way. I don't like how it makes me feel, so I'm going to choose to think about something else and feel better."
I've found that when I engage in self-destructive behavior or thoughts, it's because I feel empowered by my sense of control
That's why it is hard to get over depression. You get to the point where you like it
You feel like you need it.
You don't know what you would do if you didn't have control over making yourself feel bad because you don't feel like you have control over anything else.
And you're right about the learn/unlearn process
The problem with most people is that they fail to recognize how much they have learned. They would like to think that they are born a certain way, that there is no hope in changing"
Most people realize they have the power to UN-learn their behaviors or they have some sort of control over changing the way they feel but they simply do not do anything about it! For me it was too hard, too painful but you know what? it's worth making that effort because I'm worth it and the people in my life are worth it! Do not con yourself into thinking you cannot change your destructive behavior or that you are "stuck" like this forever. That's simply not true. The ways to break through and stop the "old record" that's spinning in our heads that telling us to resort to learned behaviors, is to find out why we behave in the way we do. Get to the root of the problem and that can take many years but it's worth doing. Therapy with a combination of meds/herbal meds can do wonders. Just recognizing that you ARE behaving in a way that is harmful to yourself is the first step. For every action there is a reaction and there are consequences for your behavior. Maybe you can never have any good relationships, maybe your parents treated you badly, maybe you can never seem to do anything right in life, maybe you can't find love, whatever it is, there are reasons why you are who you are today! As soon as we are born, we learn that certain behaviors get us certain things, we get a payoff from it whether it's pleasurable or painful. My payoff for being addicted to depression, anger etc was that I got to control my behavior which sounds a bit crazy when I think of it but my friend is exactly right. I wouldn't have known what to do if I couldn't control my own behavior, I had to be in control somehow so why not control how I act? The key is letting go and realizing you do not have to control your behavior in a negative way. You do not have to MAKE yourself feel bad, feel down, you CAN choose to think positive thoughts and do positive things. We are NOT born this way, we learned as babies and we can UN-LEARN.
I hope this helps someone today.
- Mood:
calm
